liloveanc

It has been two months since I so-called established a relationship with him. At first, I thought we would just be normal friends, nothing more, nothing less. But somehow, after a week, a “bond” was created between the two of us, that I thought, it was somewhat— special. We spent time together, getting to know each other closer and I thought to myself, this guy, understands me, more than ‘him’. He even show more care and concern more than ‘him’. But all these are all my thoughts alone, I do not know at that time that ‘he’ cared for me as much too, it’s just that, he doesn’t show it out. Well, perhaps THAT’S the thing that torn us apart — keep all things bottled up.

After all the years that we’ve been through together, it was definitely not easy to let go. At first I thought I could let go too, but I couldn’t. The name tattooed remained permanent, same as the feeling I had. I do not understand. Every time, every moment I spent with him, I was happy. But, deep inside me, I still think of ‘him’. Why????? I do not understand. Knowing that ‘he’ is not living on well hurts me, and it hurts me deep. Every time I think about it, I cry. I really wish to tell somebody, anybody who could understand me and give me pointers on what I should do. I want to tell my best friend, but I know she couldn’t help me much. Though she’s been in my shoes before, but both of us are of different characters and we see things differently. I wanted to tell him, he might understand how I feel, but it would hurt him a lot. I do not wish to hurt him anymore. I know, nobody else would understand me except God alone. I really hope that God would speak to me, giving me advice. God, I want You to be real.

Why couldn’t I let go? I really can’t take it anymore that every time I spend moments with him, the image of ‘him’ keep appearing. When I broke up with ‘him’, I told ‘him’ to give me some time to search my heart. And when I finally decided it, I thought I searched my heart. Didn’t I? Somehow, I felt that something isn’t right. And I know, for sure, something is really isn’t right. But, exactly what is it? How do I face it? I totally confused and blur. It’s unfair to him, that he should undergo this with me as well, I wouldn’t want to hurt him like how I hurt ‘him’. I do not wish to see history repeats. That’s why, I really need to know what is the matter and I have to make a decision, fast. I noticed that, no matter how much the decision might hurt, I still have to go through with it. I might be able  to go through it, but can he? He has been someone dear to me, has been with me when I felt empty, had been with me and taken care of me when I was sick. He poured his love and care to me endlessly. Although it is just for a short period of time, but there are still affections that I feel for him that I would hate to end it too.

I know, people will say that I’m a bitch. People will say that I’m not worth to be loved and even not worth to live, but people already started to hate me the very moment I made the step. Even I myself, hate myself. I really hate myself.

This entry was posted on Monday, June 4th, 2007 at 10:38 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.